i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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