It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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