yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
