omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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