What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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