I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
