if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
