I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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