And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
