The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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