Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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