He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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