Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
