feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
