Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
