I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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