OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
