Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize