I'm sorry my penis didn't work
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
