Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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