The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
