when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
