I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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