She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
