Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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