I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
