Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
