I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
