you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
