I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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