I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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