he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
