3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
