do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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