Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
