she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
