You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
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I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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