Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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