Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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