just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
