I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
