I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
