Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
