I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
