I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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