I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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