Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
