Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
