Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
