Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
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Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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