So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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