Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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