I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize