Your tits are I can't wait for
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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