me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
