just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
