Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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