Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.